Its a different kind of reality that I live and function in every day.
Its more than the incredible loss and sadness of losing my son. It is the ever reoccurring nightmare of reliving the details and horror of that day over and over in my mind. Constantly wishing I could have done something, anything, to change the outcome of that day.
I relive the morning Erik left the house, with not a care in the world. He smiled at me and said "I love you too mom" as he walked out the door to go meet his friend.
I relive the phone call from his friend screaming at me to get there now. I didn't think about anything else except running to the car and driving as fast as that little four cylinder could go to get to the scene of the accident some 12 miles away.
I relive the moment I arrived at the accident scene and impatiently waiting for someone to tell me how he was. The longest moments in my life spent standing there next to his mangled car, flashing blue and red lights all around. I could only imaging how bad it was and hoped it wasn't as bad as it looked.
I relive the paramedic walking me to the side of the ambulance as they readied Erik to transport instead by helicopter to the hospital. His face banged, bruised, and bloodied.
I relive the moments waiting in the hospital. It felt like an eternity before the doctor came out to talk to us. In reality it was less than an hour.
I relive the doctor's words as she described his injuries and the life saving measures they used to no avail. I felt the oxygen fill my lungs knowing he was gone before she could tell us that he had died. The room spun and I couldn't breathe. She must be wrong. I wanted her to get back to get back to my son and keep trying.
I relive trying to find the right words to say to Erik's brother and quickly realizing there were no right words. I held him close and tried to absorb his shock, his pain, failing miserably.
Every day these moments play in my head like an old movie spinning endlessly on its reel. I am left stuck sitting there watching it over and over. Sometimes its overwhelming and paralyzing. Other times I can manage to get through the reel without breaking down.
It's hard. Hard to explain and harder to understand. I want to burn this old movie, yet at the same time I can't stop watching these same scenes playing again and again. Always wishing I did not have to watch it, yet clinging to those last moments with Erik.
MMJ
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