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  • Writer's pictureMary Jensen

My Heart Aches

Erik Hoxie and Mary Jensen

One moment, two weeks ago, our lives changed forever. It started just like any other Saturday, a lazy morning after a long and busy week. My son and I talked for a bit over coffee.

He told me about all the things he wanted to fix and upgrade on the old car he recently bought. He was so excited to start a new job in a few days so that he would have some money to work on the car. He seemed happy. I told him I loved him and was glad he was back home, even if it was just for a while.

A short while later, he said he was going to meet a friend. I told him have fun and I loved him. He smiled at me with that goofy grin he had that would light up the room. “Love you too, Mom,” he said as he walked out the door. That was the last time I would see that smile. Not thirty minutes later, his friend called, screaming at me that my son had been in a bad accident and to hurry.

It has only been two weeks, but it feels like longer. My heart aches in a way that I cannot find the right words to describe. I miss him every moment of every day.

I am not a spiritual or religious person. I don’t believe in the afterlife or heaven. But I see him all around me. I am not hallucinating, it’s not like I am having visions of him. More like reliving memories. He is with me no matter where I am.

It is hard looking at pictures and videos of him. Yet I find myself almost obsessing over his pictures, looking at one after another. Before I realize it hours have gone by.

I am trying to understand why this happened. He was young, only twenty. A stupid car accident took him away from us. It’s not fair. I feel deep sadness and immense anger, sometimes all at once. It can be overwhelming. I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want him to walk through the door with that smile and say "Hey, Mom". But I know I will never hear him say those words again.

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